Being a family caregiver for an elderly parent is challenging and there are times when you are going to encounter difficult emotions related to your efforts. When you first started your care journey it is likely that you anticipated feeling stressed and may have even felt prepared for being somewhat overwhelmed at times. You might have put plans into place to manage your stress, prevent burnout, and even protect your relationships with the others around you so that they would not be negatively impacted by the role that you took in your parent’s life. What you might not have anticipated was the feelings of guilt.

Guilt is something that many caregivers deal with but few are willing to talk about. It is often related to the stress that you feel, but can also be linked to the decisions that you make regarding your parent’s care. Being willing to acknowledge this guilt and work through it will help you to protect yourself from mental and emotional health consequences, and ensure that you can continue to be the highest quality caregiver possible for your aging parent.

Some ways that you can handle caregiver guilt in your care journey with your parent include:

• Identify the cause. If you start to feel guilty, take a moment out and try to identify why you are feeling guilty. Do you feel guilty about a care decision that you made? Do you feel guilty because you feel that you are not spending enough time with your parent? Do you feel guilty because you feel that you are not spending enough time with your children or your partner? Do you feel guilty because you are feeling stressed? Figuring out what is making you feel guilty will help you to address the issue and move forward.
• Identify the source. While guilt is a very personal internal experience, it is often influenced by external forces. Knowing whether you feel guilty because of your own thoughts and feelings or if the thoughts and feelings of another person are influencing you can be very enlightening and help you to make the decisions that are right for you and your family. If you feel guilty because you missed your child’s sports game, for example, that is an internal factor and you can help it by making sure that you spend special time with that child at another time. If you feel guilty because your parent constantly tells you that they are lonely and that you are not doing enough for them when you know that you are, however, that is an external force of manipulation. When this happens you need to turn off your reaction to the source and focus on your own health and wellbeing.
• Give yourself permission to be an individual. Just because you have committed yourself to being a caregiver for your parent does not mean that you are no longer you, or that you no longer have your own life. You still have the right to enjoy your life, have time to yourself, and be the person who you were prior to your care journey. Give yourself permission to be this individual and remind yourself that just as you love your parent and want them to be healthy and happy, there are others who love you and want the same for you.